The final countdown

Cue the music...it's the Final Countdown! For my return to work, that is.

I return full-time starting this Friday, putting a few hours in tomorrow to catch up with my sub (which works out well; I'm glad Elizabeth will get a "trial run" at day care before her first full day). To say my feelings are mixed would be an understatement. On the one hand, I'm (guiltily) in a way looking forward to my return. I have grown to love my job and everything it entails, and really miss my co-workers. I function best under structure and routine; while I have become increasingly more efficient with my time as a stay-at-home-mom (I only stayed in my pj's the first week of her life, thank you very much!), I have a feeling that a stricter schedule will help me even more.

And of course, there are the sad feelings. I can't even begin to describe the bond I've established with this little person. The thought of sending her somewhere and spending her day with someone else makes my heart hurt, but I rest easy in the notion that she is going somewhere I trust, and that she is little enough right now that her own transition should be fairly easy.

There are a lot of "unknowns" about returning to the workplace. I'm nervous about finding time to pump regularly throughout the day (and, on the occasional day that I must be at a few different buildings, in the car!). I'm nervous about what I will do if something happens to Elizabeth and I need to go get her. I'm nervous about balancing work with home.

But most of all, I wonder what I will feel like. I will be a totally different person walking into my buildings than the woman who left in mid-January. I was a big-bellied mom-to-be, brimming with anticipation, excitement, and fear for the unknown. I didn't even have a name picked out!

But when I go back in, I will be a mom, a mom to a tiny little 9-pound darling who already has a personality that I KNOW. As I slide back into my routine--sitting in meetings, conducting assessments, observing in classrooms, lunching with colleagues--I will be totally different. I will still be a school psychologist, but I will never be the same school psychologist I was.

So here we go. "Do-do-dooo-do..."