The decision-making dance

I am not good at making split-second decisions, and trusting myself to them. This quirk of mine was a hindrance to my first couple years as a school psychologist; in my job I must make decisions at all times, often on the spur of the moment, and be confident in them. Wishy-washiness does not a good school psychologist make. I have had to consciously force myself to trust more in my own decisions on the job.

I am quickly learning that parenting is a series of decisions, all the time. The biggest challenge we have faced so far is Elizabeth's sleeping. She is actually a good sleeper, once she gets there--her first 6+ hour slumber occurred when she was only 5 weeks old. When we first moved her to her crib in her bedroom at 3 weeks old, several blissful days passed of an easy-to-put-down baby: I would nurse her in the rocking chair and she would already be asleep by the time I placed her in the crib. She was just as easy to put back to sleep after a night feeding.

At 6 weeks, Elizabeth's personality exploded in so many ways, as I documented earlier in this blog. All of a sudden she was not a like a sleeping rag doll, but a person discovering the world! I have read that, at around 6 weeks, infants become suddenly more aware of their environment and, as a trade off, often become more difficult to put to sleep because they do not want to miss out on anything! Elizabeth has been a textbook example of this! Her first difficult night, at 6 weeks old, was characterized by fussiness (not to the extreme of colic, I don't think, but pretty testy) that made her difficult to put to sleep. The fussiness often lasted until 10 or 11 PM (previously I was putting her down around 9 with no problems), and Craig and I out of desperation moved her swing into her bedroom and put her down there, allowing the swaying and the attached white noise/music machine to calm her down. At the same time she had her first cold and was congested, so we allowed her several consecutive nights of swing-sleep to keep her elevated and breathe easier.

Cut to 10 weeks old. On more nights than not, Elizabeth becomes fussy around 7 PM and is on/off that way until we try to put her to bed. Nursing always comforts her, but I don't want her to see me as a giant pacifier, so I try to limit it! Long story short, most nights between 6 and 10 weeks old Elizabeth was put to sleep in her swing because we were plain exhausted by 11 PM, and placing her in her crib just wasn't cutting it.

I knew what we were doing was potentially creating a bad habit. The pediatrician told me as much at Elizabeth's 2 month check up. I was also told, at that appointment, that I should let her "cry it out" for 10 to 15 minutes in her crib before going to her, so that she can learn to put herself to sleep. The idea of this made me pretty uncomfortable!

My parents visited last week and maybe that made me a bit more confident. On the two nights of their visit, I put Elizabeth in her crib. As usual, she had fallen asleep nursing in the rocking chair, and the second her little head hit the mattress her eyes opened. I ran out of the room and sure enough, the wailing started. My mom assured me, as I sat in misery in the family room with the baby monitor lighting up behind me, that Elizabeth was fed, changed, and burped, so most likely her cry was simply "Get me--I'm bored!" And just like that, after about 10 minutes, it was like a switch turned off. We were able to accomplish the same thing a few nights later after my parents had gone.

But last night it was a struggle. Elizabeth fell asleep nursing in the rocker and I put her in the crib. She awoke, but I raced out of the room and managed to get most of the laundry put away in my bedroom before the wailing started. I went to her after 10 minutes, rocked her in my arms, and put her down. Repeat. The wails increased. I rocked her again and put her down. The wails returned, becoming screams.

Exhausted, I put her in the trusty swing, hating myself in the meantime. In my job, we stress to students' parents the importance of consistency, in everything from homework routines to getting anxious children to return to school. Children need consistency and a level of predictability in order to thrive. I put myself to bed last night feeling like a failure, for giving in simply because I was too tired to work at it anymore. What other battles would I give in to, in the future?

But tonight, I sit here in a quiet house with my daughter sleeping--in her crib. Somehow, tonight it worked. I'm quickly learning that my love of all things predictable and routine must go out the window with an infant--she is neither, and probably won't be for a while, and never totally so! I'm also learning that parenting is a decision-making dance. It's a dance because it's a constant back and forth guessing game--taking one step forward and five steps back. With this sleeping issue, for example, I have lately been immersing myself in books by a variety of doctors about "how to" teach infants to sleep. The contradictions among these professionals is frustrating. Can't there be "one" way? Couldn't I have given birth to a baby who came with her own instruction manual?

Yes, I hate making decisions because I fear what will happen if I make the "wrong" one. But that's the risk we take when we do anything unfamiliar. Will the several nights Elizabeth slept in her swing turn her into an overly dependent child? Probably not. But it's a balancing act that we must be constantly vigilant about. And for now I will just sit here as my daughter sleeps peacefully in her crib, and learn that I need to trust myself, because the dance of decision-making has barely begun!